A lot of people ask me why I chose to pursue a diagnosis of ADHD at the age of 38. Not that 38 is particularly old but it is definitely a larger number than we think of when we hear the term ADHD.
I think a lot of this is to do with the ADHD stereotypes most of us have been raised on.
ADHD Stereotypes
“ADHD isn’t real. It’s just a case of kids who eat too much sugar needing a good kick up the ass!”
“It’s just society forcing children to be more productive by forcing drugs down their throats!”
“It’s big pharma! They just want to make money by getting us all high on meth!”
“ADHD is something kids get. It’s when they’re hyperactive and won’t sit still.”
I have to confess that I too am guilty of that last one. Up until late last year I had no idea that ADHD could present differently in girls, as girls are more likely to have inattentive type ADHD. I assumed that ADHD strictly presented as someone who bounced around the place and could not hold a conversation. But now I know that’s not true at all.
ADHD: What Made Me Get Diagnosed
The reason I got diagnosed came in two parts.
For the last few years, I’d been noticing a strange pattern emerging in my life. I would find something that interested me and would dive right into it. I would live and breathe it and bake it into my skin. I would achieve some success with it, maybe reach a frenzied goal I had set, and then I would lose interest almost overnight.
ADHD: Unfinished Projects
Unfinished projects haunt me. They linger on flash drives, in boxes, or even on the walls half-finished. They call to me in the dark hours of the night and taunt me. My inner critic loves to remind me of all the things I’ve started and never finished. She tells me people remember, they know all the things I said I would do and didn’t and they think I’m unreliable and full of shit. They hold meetings in dark basements where together they will talk about my failed pursuits and laugh maniacally.
This Time is Different
The thing is, I was sure this had passed. A few years back I started writing a novel. It came to me in a dream and when I woke, the story was all there in my mind. I needed to write it all out. Bianca, the main character, had chosen me to share her story. I felt like I’d finally found my true calling. I was meant to be an Urban Fantasy author. It all made sense.
ADHD Hyperfocus!
I set to work immediately, falling into a relentless hyperfocus. Every spare second I had, I was writing that book. I worked and reworked chapters until they felt right. I committed to edit after edit until I felt like the story followed like it was meant to. I had the novel assessed and then dealt with the hard to hear feedback. I reworked it, polishing out the kinks and then had it read by more people who gave their feedback. I made more changes, committing to more drafts than I could count.
Then I started the query process. I sent it to as many literary agents as I could but when the process became too slow and too boring I decided I would publish it as an Indie Author!
ADHD: Determined and Tenacious
I was excited and determined. I hired an editor, a designer, a PR person and I committed. After months of meticulous work, I released my first book as an Indie Author! It hit the Amazon Number 1 New Release spot in the first two weeks and I was thrilled! It was time to get back to writing the second book in the series and further cement myself in my new career!
Not Again
That’s where the wheels fell off.
I was bored of this storyline. I was bored of these characters. It suddenly felt like work.
Oh dear God, I thought, It’s happening again!
I’d invested so much time, money, energy and love into this project. I have at least three books planned in the series, and now my interest had waned…again! just like it had so many times before! What was I going to do?
I knew I just needed to write. To sit myself down and force it but for the first time ever it felt hard and painful to do so. I’d never had ‘writer’s block’ before but this was feeling a lot like it…
Perfect timing
Around the same time, a friend of mine had recently been diagnosed with combined type ADHD, meaning she had a combo of hyperactive/Impulsive and inattentive type ADHD. In her hyperfocused research, she started to learn more about Inattentive ADHD.
On the phone one day when I was explaining how hard it was for me to write these days, that the spark had just fizzled out overnight as soon as I’d published the first book, she said, “Hey, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve been doing some reading and I think you could have ADHD Inattentive Type.”
Epiphany!
She went on to explain how ‘losing interest in hobbies projects’ is a major issue for people with ADHD – especially after they have achieved pretty much what they set out to achieve – in my case I’d written a novel and had it published and now my brain was like, BORED NOW! My pesky brain was in need of new stimulation in order to get that dopamine hit. And apparently, writing the second book in a series that we were both very passionate about only weeks ago, was not gonna cut it!
Of course, it wasn’t just the writer’s block. She’s also known me since intermediate (age 12) so she had a pretty good idea of what my school life and job experiences had been like.
So, after that conversation, I did my research. I read many books on the subject and my mind exploded! I am a textbook case of Inattentive Type ADHD!
ADHD Inattentive Type Traits
The Inattentive ADHD traits I most struggle with are:
-Time Blindness – losing track of time and accurately judging how long things will take
-Prioritising tasks – knowing which one to do first
-Procrastinating – on tasks that are boring or require a lot of complicated steps – as ADHD brains don’t do each step on autopilot, we have to actually talk our brains through each step.
-Organization – maintaining organisational systems, keeping track of items.
-Distraction – drifting off mid-task deep in thought, or mid-conversation, often missing important info.
-Overstimulation – smells, sounds, fabrics and the emotions of others are super exhausting!
-Losing interest in tasks and projects – and then feeling bad about myself because of it.
Since my diagnosis, I am able to understand my brain in ways I never could before.
ADHD: Know Thyself
Now that I know why I have lost some enthusiasm in writing the second book in the series it’s much easier to work through it! I can talk myself around and even play tricks on myself to get things done. I tell myself that I’ll just do 20 minutes to start off with and then have a break, Pretty much every time, when I get to the 20 minute part I am in the zone and I snooze my alarm to keep writing!
I have also started on ADHD medication which has made a massive difference. I can now just do things without it being a huge undertaking. Before, when I had a thought like, ‘I should call the doctor to make an appointment’, it was as if a barrier would form in my mind making it impossible for me to do that simple task. Now my brain just makes me do it. There’s no more barrier.
If I hadn’t been diagnosed with ADHD who knows where I would be now. Prior to diagnosis, I was steadily losing faith in myself and my mental health was suffering for it. Now I am hopeful and empowered in a way I have never been before.
