So, I’ve recently had a pretty life-changing diagnosis.
It’s taken me a little while to get my head around it but now that I have I’d like to share it with you all in the hopes that my experience may help others seek help sooner rather than later.
I have ADHD. And I’ve had it all my life but, of course, I’m only just realising that.
What made my ADHD harder to diagnose is the fact that I have what is known as ‘Inattentive type’, meaning that I am not hyperactive or impulsive but actually quite the opposite.
Inattentive Type ADHD
Inattentive type doesn’t present like we were told ADHD should.
It’s often the kid staring out the window, not the kid throwing chairs.
It’s also far more common in girls and massively under-diagnosed.
As a kid, I was often lost in my rich inner world. I regularly got called a ‘daydreamer’ or told I was ‘away with the fairies.’ It was kinda true. I found it really hard to listen to the teacher and that would mean I’d miss important information about what we were meant to be doing. Every time I’d try and force myself to listen.
‘Okay, focus, focus, she’s about to tell us what to do. Focus. I hope we’re doing painting. I love painting. I really want to paint a cat. I wonder if she’ll let me paint a cat.’
Then suddenly all the kids are moving off the mat and I’ve done it again. I have zoned out and I have absolutely no idea what I am meant to be doing. And because this isn’t a one-off thing, because I’ve done this over and over, the teacher is getting more and more annoyed at me every time I ask her to repeat instructions. So I don’t, because when people are annoyed at me their voices scare me and then all day I will feel like crying. I will also feel like the teacher hates me. She hates me because I am dumb and I never listen.
ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
That last part is known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is common in people with ADHD. It’s a type of sensitivity to rejection or being told you’ve done something wrong. It can become much bigger in our minds and mean so much more to us than is real or intended. If a friend doesn’t answer our text: they hate us. If we don’t get a job: we are stupid, incompetent and unemployable, if we don’t get a part we auditioned for: We are the worst actor in the world and everyone has agreed on this. RSD can send me into a total breakdown. I have in the past spent days in bed after a rejection episode. It’s not cool but for a lot of people with ADHD is a reality.
ADHD Overwhelm
I was also easily overwhelmed by the school environment or anywhere that was too stimulating. I’d get upset easily by things that didn’t seem to upset other kids. Clothing was a huge problem. I remember a pair of purple pants my mum really wanted me to wear. Sure, they looked cool but they had an elasticated waistband that made me feel like I could not breathe and there was just no way I could even function in those god damn pants! It was all I could think about. I was sure those damn pants were crushing my internal organs. I had similar issues with fabric that were prickly, jumpers that were tight, jeans, tights or pantyhose, or any fragrance whatsoever. In fact, I still have a pretty extreme reaction to smells and loud repetitive noises feel like an assault on my senses.
ADHD Teenager
As I got older it got harder and harder to focus.
Tests were the worst and my reports seemed to show that. I’d have a pretty sound knowledge of things done in class and then when it came to taking the test it would all go out the window.
I’d work so freaking hard and no matter what I did I’d struggle to get anything above 60% on a test or exam. My assignments were usually handed in late or rushed at the last minute during all-nighters.
By 4th form (year 10 for all you foetuses!) I had kinda given up trying. I’d received thoroughly average scores on my 3rd form exams – even though I’d studied alongside my bestie who had smashed out ‘A’s and 90-something percenters all round. I felt disillusioned and coupled with a move to a new city and new school it all felt very overwhelming. How could I focus on school when I needed to focus on making friends? School was boring and boring things were hard.
ADHD Hyperfocus
I found it easier to concentrate on things I enjoyed like art; I could paint for hours, but found structured art classes hard – working drawings? Snooze! But then I would wonder why I was struggling to improve my technical drawing skills. Music; I could have written a thesis on the Seattle Grunge scene, detailing every band who ever played a gig in the city, its members and their individual influences. I could also play guitar for a long time but only wanted to learn grunge songs so limited my ability to build my skill set. I also loved studies that allowed me to choose my own focus. I remember being so enthusiastically hyper-focused on a study I did on the Salem Witch Hunt my teacher thought I’d paid someone else to do it for me, as my last assignment hadn’t been nearly as good. Yeah, Nah. but surprisingly, I hadn’t found New Zealand foreign policy after WW2 as interesting as witches.
ADHD Drama School
At drama school I struggled massively to listen to the tutors. They’d give us instructions and I’d be away in my brain thinking about…eating less carbs, how I can find time to write a play, even, you know, busy telling myself to concentrate, when suddenly we are asked to do an exercise and I have no idea what I am meant to do.
I’d either go in half committed, unconfident in my attempts or I’d go in brazen and cocky, thinking I knew what’s what but in reality I had missed a vital piece of the brief and looked like an idiot. When you are unconfident as an actor it shows in your performance. It makes you look like you can’t trust yourself and to be honest, that’s kinda how it feels.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Learning
My Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria made it very hard to take feedback – which is kind of necessary for the learning process and a huge part of drama school. RSD makes learning hard in general as ADHD minds become very black and white, all or nothing. If a teacher tells you you could improve if you tried A, B, or C, it means you suck. There is no fixing you. This is how you are and nothing will ever change no matter how hard you work on it. All your dreams come crashing down. There is no hope.
ADHD Adult
Now as an adult ADHD affects me in multiple ways.
-I find it tricky to listen to people, like, at all. I have to really, really try.
-Meetings are a painful snooze fest. I am expected to sit still and listen to people talk about boring things? It’s probably easier for me to grow wings and join the Xmen.
-I find it very hard to start tasks because once something becomes a ‘task’ in my head it is basically impossible to begin.
-I procrastinate like a boss (or perhaps not like a boss at all? But tbh, bosses get to delegate a lot of the things I would procrastinate!). It doesn’t matter what it is. If I have to do it I’ll push it back and push it back until it’s a big painful chore.
-Certain tasks are incredibly hard to do because I don’t know where to start and the idea of doing them is so painfully boring it makes me want to lie on the floor and cry.
-Time blindness: I don’t understand how people can figure out how long it will take them to get ready and get to a certain place at a certain time. I really don’t. No matter what I do, I am always running late.
-I often drift off and struggle to focus on what I’m doing. Instead of writing the book in front of me I’m writing a new one in my head. It’s really cool. But I need to finish the one on the screen first! Sigh…Or do I?
-Which leads me to… Unfinished tasks! I lose interest in a project really suddenly. One minute it is the most important thing in my life then…PAINFULLY BORING. This can be a problem because…
-Low self-esteem – usually because of the trail of unfinished projects left in my wake and the fact that the steps involved in doing laundry seems like climbing Mt Everest to me (But other people can do it!?!) Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that I always, always overcook broccoli!
-There’s also the organisational challenges, like keeping track of my belongings; keys, bras, shoes, organizing journals…
Undiagnosed ADHD
But I think the most challenging part of having ADHD has been the fact that I was UNDIAGNOSED. When ADHD is undiagnosed or untreated it can lead to things like anxiety and depression – both of which I was diagnosed with in my early 20s. I now know that my depression and anxiety were caused by my ADHD. They were secondary symptoms that came from living with a neurodivergent brain and not knowing it.
If I’d only known these were all symptoms of ADHD instead of reasons to think less of myself.
But all I can do now is look forwards to the future
